Happy October Sunday!
I have written about this before, and as I move toward the 18 month mark post-accident in the healing process (which will be on Winter Solstice!) I see many interesting comparisons.
What conversation are we willing - and able - to have with ourselves? It is a fine, fine line between reality and delusion, reality and blame, reality and self-abuse, reality and obsession, reality and fixation, reality and ...You get the idea.
As I continue in my recovery, I have had to have MANY conversations with myself. Daily. The reality is, I have been in a life-altering accident. The reality is, I will never be the same. The reality is, my life is a miracle. The reality is, I have worked hard. And, even two months away from a crucial 18 month mark, the reality is, I will never have full capacity physically.
Now, before you try to be Pollyanna with me saying "there's still time", "but you don't know", I don't need that. Due to the many and ongoing conversations with myself, and having medical professionals in my life who are straight with me and have pushed me to find everything I can find, I am okay with this. I know I will NOT be the same. I accept that. I do not accept sitting down and feeling sorry for myself. I still fight to get stronger; I still fight to do what I can in a new way; I still work to discover other aspects of my life or my career that might not have been thought of before. I am still discovering more possibility.
I see this fine, fine line in singers. (It's everywhere else too, but let's focus on US!).
What kind of conversation do you have with yourself? Are you even having one?
Are you excuse-ridden? Do you really HEAR those who you have around you? Do they enable you? Do they encourage you? Do they give you other ways of thinking about things?
Do you accept blindly? Do you fight back immediately? Do you question their questions? Do you ask and then explore where that statement, observation came from?
Do you ask yourself why you respond the way you do?
Do you dismiss immediately if it doesn't make you comfortable?
Do you ask questions about your craft?
Do you ask questions about your career?
Do you have pat answers as to why you aren't doing this or why you are doing that?
Do you question your responses to things?
Do you know why you respond the way you do?
How do you respond to yourself? What do you think about yourself? About where you are, technically, artistically, within the business?
Do you use the words fair/unfair, perfect/not perfect?
Do you make excuses?
Do you see yourself as the business does?
Do you see yourself as clearly as you can each day?
Are you self-aware, or self-absorbed, or self-sabotaged, or????
The questions go on and on and on if the conversation with yourself has validity and truth.
And what's the answer?????
Here it is my dearest snow flakes:
The fine, fine line is how you react to your work and the truth of how your work stands.
The fine, fine line is how you CHOOSE to interpret your work, your instrument, your career.
The fine, fine line is having a basis in truth, honesty and reality or making a decision to "not know", "not understand", "the business's fault", "so-and-so's fault".
The fine, fine line is between making excuses and simply doing the work.
The fine, fine line is a simple question of: Am I willing to be honest and truthful and am I willing to take a step into that reality or do I need to twist it to make myself more comfortable?
Honesty isn't always comfortable. However, if we are willing to stick it out, it can allow us to find more successful possibilities. Even possibilities we might not have considered re-creating a pseudo-reality.
There is a huge difference between "but it was perfect yesterday" and "Damn I sang it better yesterday".
There is a huge difference between talking about what you THINK you want, and actually doing the work to achieve what you can actually DO.
If we have created a narrative and keep a conservation with ourselves that makes us comfortable all the time, doesn't allow us to question, or even want to - that is a huge red flag that perhaps that conversation is one of protection, not growth or a reality that can enter the business, or intersect anybody else's conversation.
If you truly want to know, ASK. Then listen. Take it in. Don't put up defenses. Work to hear. Allow yourself to truly be.
Every day.
I have written about this before, and as I move toward the 18 month mark post-accident in the healing process (which will be on Winter Solstice!) I see many interesting comparisons.
What conversation are we willing - and able - to have with ourselves? It is a fine, fine line between reality and delusion, reality and blame, reality and self-abuse, reality and obsession, reality and fixation, reality and ...You get the idea.
As I continue in my recovery, I have had to have MANY conversations with myself. Daily. The reality is, I have been in a life-altering accident. The reality is, I will never be the same. The reality is, my life is a miracle. The reality is, I have worked hard. And, even two months away from a crucial 18 month mark, the reality is, I will never have full capacity physically.
Now, before you try to be Pollyanna with me saying "there's still time", "but you don't know", I don't need that. Due to the many and ongoing conversations with myself, and having medical professionals in my life who are straight with me and have pushed me to find everything I can find, I am okay with this. I know I will NOT be the same. I accept that. I do not accept sitting down and feeling sorry for myself. I still fight to get stronger; I still fight to do what I can in a new way; I still work to discover other aspects of my life or my career that might not have been thought of before. I am still discovering more possibility.
I see this fine, fine line in singers. (It's everywhere else too, but let's focus on US!).
What kind of conversation do you have with yourself? Are you even having one?
Are you excuse-ridden? Do you really HEAR those who you have around you? Do they enable you? Do they encourage you? Do they give you other ways of thinking about things?
Do you accept blindly? Do you fight back immediately? Do you question their questions? Do you ask and then explore where that statement, observation came from?
Do you ask yourself why you respond the way you do?
Do you dismiss immediately if it doesn't make you comfortable?
Do you ask questions about your craft?
Do you ask questions about your career?
Do you have pat answers as to why you aren't doing this or why you are doing that?
Do you question your responses to things?
Do you know why you respond the way you do?
How do you respond to yourself? What do you think about yourself? About where you are, technically, artistically, within the business?
Do you use the words fair/unfair, perfect/not perfect?
Do you make excuses?
Do you see yourself as the business does?
Do you see yourself as clearly as you can each day?
Are you self-aware, or self-absorbed, or self-sabotaged, or????
The questions go on and on and on if the conversation with yourself has validity and truth.
And what's the answer?????
Here it is my dearest snow flakes:
The fine, fine line is how you react to your work and the truth of how your work stands.
The fine, fine line is how you CHOOSE to interpret your work, your instrument, your career.
The fine, fine line is having a basis in truth, honesty and reality or making a decision to "not know", "not understand", "the business's fault", "so-and-so's fault".
The fine, fine line is between making excuses and simply doing the work.
The fine, fine line is a simple question of: Am I willing to be honest and truthful and am I willing to take a step into that reality or do I need to twist it to make myself more comfortable?
Honesty isn't always comfortable. However, if we are willing to stick it out, it can allow us to find more successful possibilities. Even possibilities we might not have considered re-creating a pseudo-reality.
There is a huge difference between "but it was perfect yesterday" and "Damn I sang it better yesterday".
There is a huge difference between talking about what you THINK you want, and actually doing the work to achieve what you can actually DO.
If we have created a narrative and keep a conservation with ourselves that makes us comfortable all the time, doesn't allow us to question, or even want to - that is a huge red flag that perhaps that conversation is one of protection, not growth or a reality that can enter the business, or intersect anybody else's conversation.
If you truly want to know, ASK. Then listen. Take it in. Don't put up defenses. Work to hear. Allow yourself to truly be.
Every day.
